You found out he’s been looking at porn. Now what?

Approaching a spouse, friend, or child about pornography usage can be an intimidating task.  You probably feel sad, angry, or hurt upon finding out.  But remember, you want to keep communication lines open; the way you react to the information you now have can make or break ongoing dialogue to help your loved one or friend overcome their addiction. Here are some tips to opening up the subject.

 

Disclaimer: Although "he" is used in this post, it is not meant to imply that only men look at pornography.

1. Deal with your own feelings first.

Approaching someone about a difficult topic such as pornography use when you are angry or upset is about the worst thing you can do.  You need to give yourself time to process and possibly grieve before confronting him so you can calmly discuss the problem. 

2. Approach him when he is relatively "clean and sober."

Interventions for other addictions are said to work best when the person is thinking more clearly and not so much under the influence of the drugs or alcohol. He is more likely to be receptive if he can logically see the consequences of his actions, uninhibited by the use of the pornography.  He is likely to become defensive if approached while under it’s influence, effectively ending your dialogue.

3. Avoid shaming.

This is probably the most crucial point.  A loved one or friend who feels you are shaming him no longer feels safe discussing this sensitive topic with you and is likely to react badly by lashing out or withdrawing.  Statements such as "What were you thinking?", "You don’t care about me!", and "You should have known better!" are less than helpful in your discussion. 

4. Gather the facts.

Some of the things you need to know include: how long pornography has been an issue for this individual; when and how he was first exposed; the extent of the problem (is masturbation involved; hard or soft porn; has it led to sexual activity outside a committed relationship); attempts to get it under control; and is he willing to put forth some effort to overcome the addiction.

5. Offer to be of assistance.

You can be a great support by offering to be a listening ear when he feels tempted.  You can also help by asking about how he plans to keep himself safe in certain situations.

6. Thank him for trusting you enough to share.

This tactic helps to keep the communication lines open, helping show your loved one or friend that you care and really appreciate how difficult it may be to disclose information about his addiction.

Individuals struggling with pornography need an accountability system to be successful.  The NetAngel filter provides instant accountability into internet usage by sending text messages out to an accountability partner whenever an objectionable site is accessed.  Buy a router today to instantly protect all devices and computers in your home.